'Bachelor' recap, Part II: 'Ess Ok' the new language of breakups

Welcome to the club, Andi!

The club full of women all across America who spend their entire life trying to avoid perverted tools like the one you were supposedly in love with five minutes ago, but once we do dodge the narcissistic bullet, we spend the rest of our lives talking smack about them and wondering, how, how we could possibly fall into such a smelly trap.

Thank God you could join us. We’d hate to lose a lawyer to his pit of arrogance and sweat.

Now if only we could get Nikki and Clare to wake up.

It looked like we had a chance with Nikki, who had this scared scowl on her face during the rose ceremony when Chris was breaking the news. It’s like she saw the red flag … Should I follow this instinct to run? First Sharleen, now Andi, too? Am I missing something? But .. my .. feet .. won’t .. budge.

She’s so close.

Meanwhile, Clare’s to her left, making sure her chest is perked high enough for her boyfriend and thinking about which swimsuit she’ll wear next.

Ugh, from her puckered lips to his googly eyes all over her body, they are like a dirty VH1 music video you vow never to let your children watch. They are perfect for each other. And she’s doomed.

To be fair, Andi’s expectations were high. I get that all she wanted was for him to admit he didn’t care about her as much as he led on in front of the cameras. But is she really 27 years young that she doesn’t yet realize no man would ever admit that? Even a good guy isn’t going to air his dirty mind to a woman who’s breaking up with him, let alone to an America who he thinks he’s swooning.

Juan Pablo is scum. He wants to brag about his mediocre biceps, take you to bed and then remind you how important his poor daughter is to him.

Yeah, we see your concern for her with every sloppy makeout, Daddy.

But Juan Pablo did kinda sorta have a point. This is a show about dating multiple women after all. So if one of them came up to him saying, “Eh, you suck, I don’t want to be with you after all,” of course, he’s going to be like, “Ok! Bye! I got other girlfriends! Who are much more dumb anyway!”

Why did he have to care?

It’s simply the way in which he didn’t care that will turn him even more into The Most Hated Man in America. As if we needed another excuse. But women think too much. We care too much, we do all these things and create all these scenarios that make men like Juan Pablo look worse than they already are. Yes, Juan Pablo, “Ess Ok,” but what about respect? What about forcing us to root for you for an entire season, and for what? Just to take away our romantic fantasy that charming men and storybook love stories still exist? No, Casanova, that part is NOT OK. Us ladies would like to remain as delusional as possible for two hours a week, when we’re not cleaning our husband’s toilets, folding their underwear or complaining to our girlfriends about how they didn’t get us anything for Valentine’s Day. This crap reality show is our only hope, and your vulgar moaning and come-hither stares are really ruining all the fun.

Anyway, as delicious and empowering as the Women Tell All looks next week, if we could get one of the girls on the finale to dump him, too, then our true prize would be met.

We need this mighty peacock with his feathers fanned from here to Venezuela with his tail between his legs. That’s true drama, ABC.

Don’t we deserve that kind of celebration after watching a dumb jock try and fool our fellow women for two months straight?

I think we deserve that.

And for Pete’s sake, can we avoid the sloppy accents and pigheads when rounding out contestants for Andi’s season of the Bachelorette? (Oh, like you don’t see that coming, too.) We need Prince Charming and Hugh Grant and Jay Gatsby and Clark Gable to even begin resurrecting our hope in men. And no creepy fetishes with touching the face or putting the hair behind the ear, either. Man, that got old.

'Bachelor' recap, Part I: So Nikki's normal, and that's all


Seriously? That’s all you got, Most Dramatic Two-Night Event Ever? You better pull it together tonight with all three girls dumping Juan Pablo at the same time (and that would just be called logic, actually), because last night was such a yawn.

To be fair, the hometown shows are always boring. Everyone is on their best behavior, and we have to rely on creepy over-protective dads (or Clare’s lunatic over-protective jealous ugly sister) to bring the crazy.

I was so bored, the oddball decor of each house was more entertaining than anything else. I can’t decide if I was more intrigued by the living room pear trees and floral couchES at Nikki’s, the bunny lamps at Renee’s or the rug pinned to the wall at Clare’s. (What?) But the bunny lamp really didn’t surprise me. Renee’s mom is wacky. It felt like no one in that family even talked to one another?

I feel sorry for Renee based solely on the fact that she has a kid. That, and because she chose that pathetic excuse of an outfit for her final day with Juan Pablo. Honey, from your hair to your bad mascara, there is so much work to do. But it’s not all her fault. How dare Juan Pablo let the last thing he say to her be, “I respect you so much”? Since when? You respect her so much so that you were willing to steal her away from her weird son (Hey, you saw the comb-over before bedtime) just so you could parade around makeout sessions with other women for eight weeks while not so much as give her a kiss? Wow, you’re a real prize, Big Daddy. You’re right, Renee, he might be ”as good as they come” if you keep wearing outfits like that, but even still, you can do way better.

The rug on Clare’s wall can do better.

I actually didn’t think it was possible, but I found Juan Pablo to be an even bigger loser than I thought last night. He can’t shoot a gun worth a hoot, there was this odd scrunching of the shoulders he wouldn’t quit on all his dates, and there was even squealing. And the talking with the hands arms. I get it. He’s actually aware enough to realize none of these parents are going to understand a lick of what he’s saying, so he thought talking with his arms would improve the situation. It didn’t. And neither did dancing with Andi’s mom. I’m surprised he didn’t get shot by Macho Dad right then and there.

For the record, I loved Andi’s dad. His name was Hy, which is very Sopranos, and he was a stud. (I was just waiting for Juan Pablo to make fun of his dad’s name, because he’s is an idiot like that.) I don’t know why I was so intrigued by Hy, maybe because he actually sees what a moron we’re dealing with here?

It’s too bad we had to hear about Clare’s dad again, and I’m sorry, if you’re going to have a sentimental story that involves tossing rocks into the water, actually give it a good toss. That was the most pathetic plop into the water I’ve ever seen. And then Juan Pablo applauds her? Are we 4?

By the way, how on earth are all those women Clare’s sisters. It was like ABC called up this Bunco group to come over and play Clare’s family for the night. So she’s like the black sheep of the brood who is also cuter 20 years younger? They were creepy, too. That Lisa one clearly had the hots for Juan Pablo, she even spoke about him with a rasp in her voice and stared at the two of them like she was watching her favorite afternoon soap (which you know she has), and Lara was just dying for her 15 minutes of fame. “If I can’t win the lottery, then these cameras I’m going to awkwardly stare into are my only hope! I’ll show ‘em what I got!” Crosses arms and steps in front of the camera like a boss.

No wonder Clare is such a sass. I guarantee Nikki was just clapping at the TV.

Poor Clare’s mom. I was just relieved to finally hear her speak. Even if it was in Spanish? Even Juan Pablo will know better than to subject himself to those crazies.

Wait, I meant to say even a family like that is still too good for this washed up soccer player.

You know, I bet he wasn’t even a good at soccer.

You better bring it tonight, St. Lucia!

'Bachelor' recap: Sharleen is The Wisest of Them All


Two episodes of “The Bachelor” next week?

Either Juan Pablo’s broken English is too exhausting to fit into one episode, or even the producers themselves are just as anxious to get rid of this pathetic excuse of a season.

Good riddance, you sloppy kisser.

Despite the amount of eye rolls Juan Pablo has produced over the past 2 months, I really do think this season has flown by, and I’m shocked we essentially only have hometowns, Women Tell All and then the finale — the part where we crown The Stupidest Woman of All Time.

You know, good ol’ OPRAH singer Sharleen (valiant effort, Juan Pablo) was onto something. Even though she basically called everyone else on the show stupid when she blatantly told Juan she “wishes she were dumber,” she’s right. Isn’t that how this season has progressed, after all? Thanks to all these women who chose ignorance over common sense and continue to grovel over an obvious idiot of a man, we continue to be entertained each week. But who are we kidding? We have a nurse, a lawyer, even a mother here, but yet somehow, all of them have overlooked his stupidity just to make out on TV with a lame  set of abs and an accent that ends up being annoying anyway?


But Sharleen really didn’t look as wise as she wanted to. She was looking for a “cerebral connection” with this guy? He couldn’t even pronounce that let alone give it to you, Fancy Pants, and it doesn’t work when instead of actually carrying on a conversation for once, you spend an entire day making out on a yacht. (Ps. Why did there have to be so much lying down on a boat this week? His hairy legs spread like an arrogant monkey was the absolute worst) Then you mention some confusing bit about how you “like change,” only to make out again and then wear a tight enough dress that night to let him think he’s got you in the palm of his sweaty hand. And since when is a woman’s “proper” English such a turn on? He’s just using you as his dictionary, Sharleen, that should’ve been your first clue!

But thank goodness we have our Fairy Godmother Renee back at the house to help Sharleen decipher lust over intellect. “Think about what you’d be giving up. That could haunt you forever.” Haunt you forever? Slow down, Mother Hen, if there is anything haunting about Juan Pablo, it’s his wayward tongue.

I think Sharleen on her Pedestal will be just fine.

After she actually did say goodbye (even though she was certainly whiny about it. She does love his attention), what was Juan Pablo’s rant over being appreciated versus being honest?

Oh, forget it. Like it’s even worth trying to translate.

The fact that Juan chose Nikki to bring to Camila’s dance recital is very telling, but it’s too bad her cutoffs were too cut off and she forgot to wear a bra to meet The Ex. And then I really felt sorry for her when it was time to play catch that night. Nikki, we get it, your body rocks, but you’re wearing fringe on a baseball field, and I see London, I see France ….

They can whip up a pair of sweatpants for Clare during her date like it’s magic, but they can’t get this poor girl a Marlin Park T-shirt already? No wonder Juan wanted to stop throwing the ball around to get closer …

Anyway, thank goodness for body tape, and Nikki’s sassy antics are confusing me. Are we supposed to like her? I want to, but then she mouths off and picks fights with Clare (that was such a juvenile fight, almost like it was scripted and they just kept repeating their lousy-written lines) and then she plays the Courtney Card with “I got this rose in the bag” comments, and it’s like she’s our villain.

Once again, like it’s even worth trying to understand?

The group date was embarrassing to watch. Chelsie reads letters from Mom and Dad (opposite of turn-on), Clare cries again over her dad (give me a break) and Andi just flat out starts crying? No wonder making out is his only solution. Conversations are so much work this season.

By the way, does he even notice Clare anymore? They totally slept together in the ocean.

And for the love of Pete, stop wearing all these dresses that are too tight and shoes that are too tall. Andi, you’re killing me up there. Take a note from Nikki, at least?

I mean, is anyone paying attention to the dresses this season? So much for breathing, I guess.

I will never understand why Renee is still around. Her hair needs deep conditioning like Juan Pablo needs to be deported, and come on, the only scene she even had this week was to nurture Sharleen off the show. And I’m sorry, she looks twice his age.

Maybe he needs to keep her around as his guidance counselor when it gets close to the end. “Renee, My Special One, who will have enough patience to explain the English language to me every morning, withstand my bad dance moves, forgive my wandering eye and assep my hypocrisy as endearing?” 

There aren’t enough sucker TV show contestants in the world, you waste of a sexy Latino accent.

Watch a recap of last night’s “Bachelor” episode in New Zealand, courtesy of USA Today.

'Bachelor' recap: I'd rather watch the sheep frolic

Clare, you should’ve bolted when you had the chance.

But thank goodness we can turn this explosion of a train wreck season into a vocabulary lesson for The Worst Bachelor of All Time Juan Pablo.

Man, he is such a loser.

I’m sorry. I’m not going to keep saying that every week. That would be annoying, like it is every time he says, “Will you assep this rose?” or tickles Sharleen’s neck as he mauls her with a kiss.

And do you really think watching him throw sheep poop on women is going to make me feel better about him?

I can’t be alone.

If I can’t keep my cool by focusing on The Worse Bachelor of All Time Juan Pablo, then let’s focus on The Stupidest Women of All Time for Actually Liking This Guy the girls.

Andi’s date was a bunch of mumbling and making out, but she did rock that one-piece suit, and at least she didn’t act so insecure this time around. Apparently a makeout session is all it takes? Walking through those tight rocks to get to a measly waterfall was ridiculous. Have they not seen the hundreds of waterfalls in New Zealand? We saw them all. Scenery shots and recaps are, like, half the show. And they choose the one you can physically barely get to? And you know what, Juan Pablo really doesn’t look that good in a swimsuit. Anyway, by the time he finished sucking his ego in long enough to make it through, they finally get to the waterfall, and it’s like they didn’t even look at it. There was no conversation, it was just this big fat cue to make out.

If there is anything we can learn from our Father of the Year, it’s that talking so so over-rated.

Speaking of great ideas, having dinner next to one of the largest active geysers in the Southern hemisphere was brilliant. Andi kept saying how “unexpected” it was that the geyser went off.

Umm, how smart are lawyers supposed to be?

Isn’t that what geysers do? Why are we so confused here? And what does it matter, no one eats their dinners on this show anyway. So either the food gets wet from an “unexpected” geyser or it just sits there for all of us at home to wonder why no one’s eating it anyway.

And other brilliant idea, after the geyser explodes and everything is wet and dreary and cold and miserable, why did they just stand outside and continue to be cold and miserable? Of all the lavish dates this show conjures up, there was no place else to go but just stand there in the cold to talk about life goals? It wasn’t working for me. You lose the sentiment when Andi’s teeth are chattering and Juan Pablo is mumbling in a turtleneck sweater.

The OGO on the group date was awesome! Watching prissy Sharleen “gracefully” poop out the OGO was probably the best scene of the night. I totally had to rewind it. And Nikki got major cute points for being so excited, even though no one should get excited about kissing Juan Pablo.

You are one of many, sweetheart.

I don’t understand why Cassandra kept lamenting that it had been so long since she had dated. Are we supposed to be proud of her for “taking a break from dating” to have a child at 19 years old? She probably doesn’t even have a driver’s license yet, and having a kid doesn’t make you a mature grown-up.

Just ask Juan Pablo.

That being said, she was a sweetheart, and Juan Pablo the Jerk strikes again for breaking up with her on her birthday. And in cute little Hobbit houses to boot?

How depressing.

I wasn’t even looking forward to Clare’s date because I knew his “apology” was going to be hogwash. But then, wait a minute, she’s letting him actually call that an apology? If that’s an apology, I’m going to start getting away with a lot more in my marriage.

His mumbling was so hypocritical and maddening, and who has a picnic on a bed of rocks anyway?

Just stupid.

But thank God we can put it all behind us and make out instead and then put on sweatpants and tell Clare how hot she is in sweats, because that’s what gentlemen do.

And, where did those sweatpants come from? Not only was it odd that they just show up after Clare casually mentions that she likes being cozy, but they are ugly enough to wonder why they even exist in the first place? Was Bieber in New Zealand, too?

Speaking of outfits, Juan Pablo’s pants were too tight and too short at the rose ceremony. And Nikki made him do a spin? She probably just wanted us all at home to see once again what an idiot he looked like. And Nikki, she pretty much has the most perfect body ever, and I’ve never felt more pregnant than when looking at her, but her outfits need to tone it down.

She is in the running to be Camila’s mom, after all, and that’s a lot of leg, sweetie. 

Oh, who am I kidding. Sharleen dresses like she’s at the opera every night. We haven’t forgotten how supreme you are, Sharleen.

Too bad Kat thought another alcoholism sob story was the key to Juan Pablo’s heart. Sadly, poor girl just hadn’t got the memo that he doesn’t even like talking in the first place!

Or lace sleeves. Sorry, Kat, those alone didn’t deserve a rose.

Can’t wait to see what Prince Charming has in store next week!

'The Bachelor' recap: This 'gentleman' has to be joking


There had to have been a moment, right?

A moment while filming Juan Pablo’s fifth hardcore makeout in a row on “The Bachelor” that a producer or director or even some random camera dude who said, “Uhhh, this guy is the worst boyfriend ever.”


Because he totally, completely, officially is.

I’m done letting some culture barrier forgive him of his stupidity. Sure, it doesn’t help that we can’t even understand him when he’s being a hypocrite, but that doesn’t make him any less of a dirty hypocrite, and he’s disrespectful to boot!

The way his eyes wander makes me feel like I’m in seventh grade again and that kid in gym class won’t stop staring.

Honestly, I’m surprised this is the first we’ve really seen of this. Out of 18 bachelors, Juan Pablo seems to be the first one to have let the rules of this game run away with him, to take advantage of the fact that he’s dating multiple women, and all the sudden, I’ve never felt dirtier for watching.

And he’s a father, too? Who uses his daughter to shame these poor girls into feeling like they’ve done something wrong, when he’s the one who’s lost his manners?

That’s an even bigger ick factor. 

And why hasn’t Clare, or any girl on the show who has been belittled by his guilt trips (isn’t that all of them by now?), said to him, Why would you let your five-year-old watch this garbage anyway?

I feel sorry for Clare. Sure, she’s sassy for knocking on his door at 4 a.m., and no one could possibly ever understand the baby giraffe comparison to lust, but every season needs a Courtney, and he could’ve said no and instead acted very, very into their rendevous. Sure, there are a lot of selfish and mean boys in this world, but he doesn’t get to be selfish and mean, he’s supposedly the most eligible, charming bachelor in America.

And no one thought to stop rolling the cameras on him so they could beat him up instead?

Moreover, it’s the way in which he communicates that makes these scenes all the more creepy. That accent isn’t cute anymore, papi. He even says “How are you doing?” with a come-hither and a head tilt, and I’m shocked not one of these girls finds his antics offensive.

He might as well be talking to their chests.

I need to digress. Because it’s not just Jerk Pablo that has me wondering why I’m not watching more respectful shows like “Jersey Shore” instead.

Everything about this season has me all scowls and head scratches, like why are we in Vietnam? Since when is murky water, deep caves and farming for your dinner romantic? That cave was literally called Hell. And you still go there? And I would’ve been super annoyed to have to wear a kimono to dinner if I were Renee.

It’s hot enough. We’ve seen her sweaty hair.

I appreciate the culture, but I don’t settle in to watch the Travel channel on Monday nights.

Renee is just trying way too hard to be liked (just put that hair up already!) and then when he mauled her at the rose ceremony for a kiss at last, it just took away from that “respectfulness” he was trying to give a single mom.

So much for trying to fool us, daddy-o.

What’s up with Andi? Since when are lawyers insecure? I want to like her, but she’s always pouting.

It must’ve been all the tilling for her lunch.

Unfortunately, Sharleen is still weird. She’s got her own dirty antics going on, and that kind of flirting can only work so long. But I will say, is she getting prettier?

I do like Nikki the Nurse. But what girl wants to be with a dude who pointed out that he was staring at her bum all afternoon and can’t even pronounce her profession? I mean, he could not spit it out. And you could see his frustration, Ugh, why do I have talk, can’t we just make out already?

We wish you would stop talking, too, Casanova.

PS. He cried at the rose ceremony? Tears coming from the same guy who didn’t seem to care less about those girls when sneaking Clare away for a swim in his pool and then “taking it to far” in the ocean?

You can’t be two different people. Your excuses don’t fool us anymore.

And, have I mentioned? You are huge, rude idiot.

And where was Chris Harrison all night?

I only ask because I wish he were the Bachelor right now. Anybody else.

Fans open up about love for ‘The Bachelor’

Sunday’s feature cover story was a fun adventure for all my fellow “Bachelor” fans. Check it out, and be sure to stop by here weekly for “Bachelor” recaps!

Check out a recap of Monday’s “Bachelor” episode, courtesy of USA Today.

'Bachelor' recap: Holy Moly, Macaroni!


Maybe it’s all the drama surrounding Juan Pablo’s idiotic, recent anti-gay remarks. Maybe it’s the juvenile makeout sessions that reeked up my living room last night. Or maybe his muffled non-perfect English is already annoying me.

Whatever it is, Juan Pablo drove me nuts last night.

I still like the guy, and he can still be charming at times, but he’s also a sloppy mess kisser who’s turned his number of makeouts into a contest, he was pretty much forcing Chelsie off that bridge and scruffy face doesn’t even look good on him.

It can’t be good that we’re three episodes in, and already I’m seeing the flaws. But is this guy as arrogant as he seems?

Maybe he and Sharleen are better for each other than I’d like to admit. She’s a trip. I took pleasure in every soccer ball to smack her sassy face last night. Sorry! Does she honestly think having an operatic voice allows her to be better than all the other girls and act as pompous as she does, even around Juan Pablo himself? She even kisses with an eye roll and a snap.

FYI, Sharleen: Dudes hate the opera.

Cassandra’s date was cute for a few minutes, despite the fact that she’d likely have more fun hanging out with his daughter, Camila, than any grown man. She acts 13! But yet we clearly know she’s at least 18 because that’s the last time she went on a date

Since when are we tallying our first dates? I missed the boat on that one.

Oh, that car boat. Now that was cool. I’ll watch that action over awkward kisses (let’s call them misses) and terrible dancing in the kitchen any day. Wasn’t she an NBA dancer back when she had her first date? Because that girl couldn’t step right over left to save her life. Maybe it was the shoes? Who wears those shoes to cook dinner anyway?

At least Chelsie didn’t borrow them to be pushed jump off a bridge. I’m sorry, all I heard was Juan Pablo’s brain going, “Come on, you stupid blonde, stop being needy so we can make out already!” That’s all he wants, you guys. He’s like a freshman in college with these girls. But I do like Chelsie. What’s Elise’s problem with her??

And I’m shocked no one on the show mentioned the fact that poor Chelsie had to eat Venezuelan food and then jump off a bridge. Why not throw in the tilt-a-whirl and burritos, too, Romeo!

Anyway, after Chelsie’s date was about the time it became mucho obvious that Juan Pablo was already slacking on his English. Did anyone understand anything he said half the night? I was watching Jersey Shore for all I know.

But then it came to the group date soccer game, and it was like watching every other season of The Bachelor. Guys seriously have this thing with making girls look like fools playing sports. What gives? The Bachelorettes don’t put the dudes through pedicures and shopping trips!

Wait a minute …

I loved the surprise breakfast business, but really, these girls were upstairs getting ready to look like they didn’t get ready all morning. Every girl knows it’s a thing. But then Mama Bear Renee ruined all the fun when she was whisking around the kitchen cleaning up and then of course rescuing the latest crier in the bathroom. Give me a break, Renee … or make me a sandwich.

I don’t even have any frontrunners yet. They’re all too jealous! But girls, do you really want cheesy Latin music in your car, arguments filled with confusing sentences because you have no idea what your husband is saying and spicy Venezuelan food for breakfast for all your life anyway?

Sure, he’s fun for a date night …

'Bachelor' recap: No more drinking around Papi, but the free spirit is mature enough?


Truthfully, I’m not allowed to be shocked when this season’s dates kick off with road races, fake snow and nude photo shoots. With “The Bachelor” series these days, you never know what you’re going to get.

But, that was the most cheesiest snowball fight ever. And how would you feel if you had to run 3 miles for your first date? Can the girl even run? She looks like one of those annoying California hipsters who drinks coconut water and has never run a day in her life but still buys the spandex to wear to Jamba Juice anyway.

Give me a break.

Despite all that, last night rocked. I actually had a lot of fun watching the barbaric dates and simply watching Juan Pablo. There is something awkward and cheesy about him, but it’s incredibly charming, and you know what else I like? He looks tired. A lot.

It’s refreshing, but then that feeling goes away when the girls put their prom dresses and gaudy jewelry back on for the rose ceremonies, and we’re back to lala land.

Is anyone else watching the Sunday night installments before Monday’s episodes? At first, I was like, “I’ll get around to it,” but then I actually sat through watching the sob fest from those who were sent home, and I can’t believe I got around to it. Are we really, really wasting time on these girls who are super ugly criers to boot?

And then Sean was on again, and I threw in the towel. You had “Dancing With the Stars” and you were super terrible and you really don’t look nearly as good as you used to. Step off!

Catherine looked cute though. Dang it. 

Juan Pablo’s first date with Clare was charming enough in that us Midwesterners know how much fun sledding is. But they’re cheating. You can’t sled in skinny jeans and T-shirts and count it. At least they put Sean and Catherine in snowsuits and took them to a real glacier. And then Juan and Clare started “slow dancing” in swimsuits and coats and it looked all sorts of awkward. Can we even call that dancing? 

Body pressing, while bending the knees, maybe.

Luckily, his English-in-training saved the day, as always, with “I had very very much good time with you. Will you assep this rose?”

That’s cute.

As for his second one-on-one, I was instantly annoyed when Kat flipped her hair like a sorority girl does and pranced to the airplane in cut-offs and stilettos. That is never a good look. And did they really have to fly all the way to Utah for a 5K? Then I saw the 5K, and it was pretty awesome. Until I noticed Kat was doing the same hip-thrusting dance move, over and over. And still hair flipping. But Juan Pablo looked so happy, there’s no way he could’ve noticed.

He’s adorable. And anyway, did they make out on the plane ride home?

The group date was ridiculous, per usual. There always has to be one brat on the show who has morals or religions or is simply obnoxious enough that she has to throw a fit about the group date. Too bad it was the lawyer. I thought she had potential. Anyway, the concept of saving the dogs was sweet, but you can’t play sad music at the end of the scene and then put up a photo of Juan Pablo sandwiched between two other chicks, all naked. Your sentiment didn’t work.

Speaking of sentiment, what mother honestly thinks it’s best to tell Juan Pablo she has a son while wearing gogo boots?? They had leather laces. That matched her top. And he’s supposed to take Cassandra and her nose job and gogo boots seriously? Ay ay ay.

Speaking of contestants with kids, Renee sure is an annoying mother hen. Is she trying to prove something to Juan by “taking care” of all the other girls? Because all I see is smothering. And it doesn’t stop with Juan either. Take a hint, Renee, he doesn’t want to kiss you.

Renee’s mothering really went down the toilet when she tried to fix our drunken lush of the season, Victoria. Yeah, the one who honestly said, “I may have drank too much” the next day, after repeating the phrase “hymen maneuever” the night before. That was a good one. Shame on the producers for letting Lindsay Lohan slip through the cracks. We’ve got a father here, people, it’s time to grow up.

Yet Lucy running around naked and believing she’s a fairie is OK? She makes me feel so confused.

Right now, it’s impossible to tell Juan Pablo’s type. He seems smitten for the blondes like Elise or Nikki, but she’s super pageanty. Did you see her sitting in the hot tub with the Miss USA hairdo? Not working. But then there are the feisty brunettes that he’s somehow still into, too, like our opera sass Sharleen, and I really don’t get it. She’s that kind of girl who is super authoritative and mean, yet somehow dudes like her.

What is that about?

Watch a video recap here!

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