As I begin to consider writing about “The Bachelorette,” this comes to mind: If I’m going to be wasting my typing skills, the least I could do is discuss Drew’s body from head to toe. This Ken doll probably even gets pedicures.
1. Brooks is absolutely the most boring front-runner ever on the face of ever. Boring. And he wears Mr. Rogers sweaters to dinner. And he doesn’t even like her. So there’s that.
2. Having the girls come to visit Des in Portugal was super cheeseball-y, but it also was probably the most realistic “Bach/ette” scene of all time. At first, when Des was babbling, “Michael is intelligent, Chris is athletic,” I was falling asleep to the script, per usual, but then when they started with the best lips, eyes, bodies and so on gossip, it actually felt like real girl talk. Can we just get rid of these lame dudes already and just have girl fest? I could talk about Drew all day long. Have I mentioned that?
3. If Drew is so gaga over Des, what was with the rude and misleading promo last week of him saying, “It’s just not going to work”? Super annoying, producers. Not cool.
4. Speaking of Drew’s date, why do dates continue to be insanely uneven in regard to their coolness? Brooks was literally in the clouds, Chris went on a yacht, and Drew and Zak got strawberries and grapes served on a tire? Well, Zak deserved that. He’s so weird. And Twitterverse is drooling over him! I guess this cheese stands alone.
5. Speaking of Chris’ date, are we ever going to not talk in rhyme? I probably would have appreciated their team poem, or his “I love you” poem, if it weren’t his 700th one. And if you’re going to do the whole message in a bottle bit, can you at least toss it into the water whilst in the middle of the ocean? What good is it going to do throwing it into a mound of sharp rocks? Especially if you throw like a girl? Your “experiences you share together” are shattered all over the bottom of the ocean, and now fish are dying. Real cool, Mr. Rogers.
6. And now the Worst Brother of All Time is coming back to the show. And he still has bad teeth. As we approach the finale, I think it’s time to concede that this season is a total loss. What do you think of that, World’s Best Prosecutor? But wait, did Des just mutter the L-word to Chris Harrison way before the rule book allows? Gasp! That’s the producer in the background using all his lifelines: “I don’t care what she says! Our ratings are despicable! Just announce who wins now! Bring Sean back on to lift weights!” Wait, I got carried away. Anyway, Des’ backless blue dress was actually pretty cute, too, so that helped. I’m surprised she didn’t wear that same rainbow skirt for the third time in a row. Hey, if the first boyfriend liked it …