‘Bachelor’ recap: If you take this show seriously, you will be sent home
(See AshLee? Look at him. Does this like a dude who will put up with your serious face? I think not.)
Maybe if AshLee would have lightened up a bit, we wouldn’t be having this conversation now about how she was way too serious to take this non-serious show so seriously. After 17 seasons, does she not know anything about “The Bachelor”?
Clearly Catherine doesn’t either, if her stake to claim is that she is a traditional person when it comes to relationships. Soooo, this is your exception to that rule? Because 20 girlfriends is not traditional, 3 different sleepovers in 3 days is super nontraditional, and waking up one morning contemplating who to marry but then proposing to one of them that night is, like, the most nontraditional thing ever in the world. But, hey, we all like to break out of our molds from time to time.
If there’s anything we could gather from Sean’s final three, it’s that he has a type. I hate to use the word immature, and juvenile seems a bit rude, so let’s just move on to say that he needs someone he can take care of. As in, I’ll literally carry you through life because I have huge biceps and I want to be your superman. He said so himself during AshLee’s date that he loves being her “protector,” but taking care of AshLee would have been downright exhausting and depressing. How long can one beefcake take such intensity? That girl could have a soulful connection with a toaster, and didn’t he ever just want to shake her up a bit and maybe run through the time tables with her, for kicks? Then again, we wouldn’t want to lose one of those “fibers of her being” to Sean’s silly side. We’re not here to have fun, after all.
About those dates. Should it be telling that Lindsay had to eat bugs, AshLee had to swim through a cave and Catherine, what, had to makeout in a storm? Where was her battle? (And what is it with this kid and putting women through such hardships? When the cameras stop rolling, are they going to have to complete a marathon before breakfast? “I would do anything for love” has never had so much meaning..but then again, those biceps …..) Ok, in Catherine’s defense, if that were me, I wouldn’t have made it through it one more kiss after lightning struck. Number one, I would have taken those rumbling skies as a huge sign, and number two, rolling storms coming at me is not romantic, it’s death laughing in my face. I’d be begging for a bug to eat over that. (False.)
Lindsay + Sean really do have an adorable relationship are super hot, but it seemed like Sean was just fishing for her to say those magic words the whole time and wasn’t even really enjoying the date for what it was. She ate bugs, give her a moment (week) to digest! But in his defense, he knew that AshLee had already proclaimed her love to all of St. Croix— she even stood on a chair— and had said the L bomb, like, 300 times, so Lindsay had to buck up.
I’m so thankful AshLee is gone for the mere fact that I truly could not have handled one more episode of her intensity. Ease up, sister! And by the way, did you hear that poor girl was abandoned? If we heard it 87 times, I can’t imagine how many times Sean had to hear the story. Yes, it must have awful, but she has fake boobs, so she’s obviously doing just fine. And in the end, the “gypset” necklace she was wearing was incredibly confusing. “Gypset” is “an unconventional, bohemian approach to life, characterized by a fashionable exoticism and down-to-earth ease.” Ease? Down to earth? Bohemian? You’re a closet organizer! You don’t fool us, Serious Sally! We knew this show was false advertising, but … Perhaps she felt the need to offset her big serious words with a necklace that led everyone to believe she was in fact a gypsy who traveled the earth and didn’t have a care in the world? Fail. We saw right through you when, even in your last-ditch-effort video message, you couldn’t even get through the words “Together, we are whole,” (who says that after four weeks?) because you were crying so hard. Should have used the words beefy and wiggle instead, crybaby. Oddly though, all those fibers of her being were cold as ice when he sent her home. Serious never glared so hard. Eeesh.
After AshLee’s worship fest, it was so nice to play in Catherine’s lala land. Honestly, she wasn’t as childish this week (neither was Lindsay. Was there some sort of tone it down memo that AshLee didn’t get?), and their vava voom chemistry is delicious. I see Sean’s giddiness for her the most, but I’ve also seen this show enough to know that it’s that type of giddiness that wins in the end and ends five minutes later. The fact that Catherine can only have a serious conversation by talking to the ground is quite telling that she’d just much rather break out the Play-doh then do anything serious in life. Isn’t that why she’s on this show after all? Nailed it.
Producers, for pete’s sake, get rid of the framed pictures. Haven’t you enough respect for your avid fans by now that we know Sean doesn’t need an 8x10 to decide his future? Nor does he need a 10-minute conversation with Chris Harrison, the least-insightful friend in the world. Does he ever have good advice? & I love how he acts shocked to hear that Sean’s falling in love on this show. Chris, it’s in the contract, get it together.
Man, maybe AshLee’s got me all gloom and doom and in a deep place I can’t swim my way out of (gahhh, the thought of that cave just gave me the wiggles- see Catherine, it’s not supposed to be a good thing), but I do recall this is the time of the season that everyone starts to annoy me, even the Bachelor himself. ….. Ahhh, that was totally false. Did you see that swimming scene? Well played.
Drama Fest Women Tell All next week!!!! We’re going to hear about Sarah’s arm again, aren’t we. Can’t we just dwell on Tierra’s eyebrow and Sienna’s non-commitment toward her culture? And Sean’s abs? That sounds like so much more fun.
