Two-night 'Bachelor' recap: Pixie dust and jerk siblings

Two-night ‘Bachelor’ recap: Pixie dust and jerk siblings

Sweet mother of holy good gracious gosh almighty shucks I can’t stop blushing, a shower never looked so good.

Do you think he used body oil? If it weren’t that swanky porn music shower scene at the end of Sean’s Tell All, I’d still be eye rolling over Monday’s hometown dates episode. Since when did siblings suck so much?

Despite the fact that these relationships last five minutes after the cameras stop rolling, family really does make all the difference anyway, especially if they include foul attitude, low self-esteemed, jealous, shallow, desperate, fame hungry, unattractive, good-for-nothin’ so-called brothers who are eerily obsessed with their sisters and like to use big words. And have bad teeth.

No wonder he went running for the Army General.

I’m literally fuming that this punk took Des away from us, and why wasn’t there more yelling at him involved afterward? And why didn’t anyone eat their steak?? Seriously, this show never eats. There is clearly a dynamic with this family that isn’t sitting right (close proximity from living in a tent will do that to ya, but did the kid really need to call Sean a “playboy”? It’s not Sean’s fault you wouldn’t stand a chance with 25 girlfriends!)

If we’re putting all our cards on the table here, we do need to concede that Jerkface had a point (can you imagine the words he would have said to him if he had seen Sean earlier in the day hiking in a purple and red and pink outfit? We’ll get past it)- this show isn’t exactly conducive to monogamy. If you look it up, the actual definition of playboy is “A man, especially one of private means, who devotes himself to the pleasures of nightclubs, expensive holiday resorts, female company, etc.” (Wow, so the punk was really on the money there.) But he acts as if Sean made this show up himself just so he could make out with multiple women and break lots of hearts, but that’s not so! Tons of men have gone before him! Crap, I’m really not helping ourselves out here. My point is Des’ brother (seriously, I was too disgusted to even hear his name. What was it? Puke? Lucifer?) is a huge bully for ruining his sister’s life. And he has bad teeth.

Her parents were sweet though… Odd, but cute.

Naturally, we deal with at least one mean (jealous) sibling a season, but this week, we had the Worst Brother of the Year and Catherine’s own version of evil stepsisters? Who on earth do these girls think they are? And since when do clothes being strewn on the floor constitute reason for sabotaging your sister? You’re reaching, girls. I can’t imagine my sister meeting a potential suitor and immediately going for the laundry: “Honestly, you should see the way she folds her towels. Run. NOW.” Granted, Catherine threw herself under the bus when she said if he proposed, she would “Try it out.” (In her defense, that’s the Bachelor version of “Yes” after a proposal. Do her sisters know nothing?) But these girls were just foul attitude, low self-esteemed, jealous, shallow, desperate, fame hungry, good-for-nothin’ so-called sisters. At least they had good teeth.

Despite the evil stepsisters, Sean + Catherine’s chemistry is crazy in your face, but it was almost too much energy during the beginning of their hometown, throwing fish around and putting gum on walls. She’s a total dork, and we know he’s a goofball, too, but are we in a sandbox here, people, or are we trying to be grownups and get engaged for television so all us lowly folk can swoon and cry and read your breakup stories in Us Weekly? That’s what I thought.

If it’s not going to Des (Wahhhhhh! Is she seriously gone??), it better not be yawn fest AshLee or baby talk Lindsay, or I’m going to flip out eyebrow style. AshLee is gorgeous, but I find her so. incredibly. boring. She thought blind folding herself and being walked across a room was crazier than a Vegas night on the town. What does Sean see in her? That flannel she wore surely didn’t help. Way to win him over, Daddy’s Girl. That’s another thing. Even the Worst Brother Of the Year would be tolerable compared to “taking Daddy’s place.” Woah, good luck filling those shoes. OK, so her dad’s speech at dinner was sweet and all (maybe I cried), but there’s an odd dependency on her parents that a 32-year-old just shouldn’t have. And when describing her love for Sean, she used the words pixie dust. And “Submerged All My Fears.” Whaaa? She talks about him like he’s some sort of new religion, and I’d love to know what it is exactly she’s “invested so much” here in the past, what, four weeks? That’s enough, pixie dust.

Lindsay, who looked amazefest gorgeous, was all around such a sigh of relief amid the Monday night debacle. Her fam was actually normal, but what was up with the loser brother? (Hey, at least he didn’t use the word “reciprocation” 11 times, but did he use, um, any words?) The Army drill for Sean was cute (yes, I will watch him do pushups. Do you think there was oil used in that shower scene?), and I can get over the cupcake shoving in face scene, but I’m not going to be able to get past the fact that she talks to him like she’s changing his diaper. Hasn’t that gotten old for him yet? Then again, it did take a few episodes to notice that Tierra’s sparkle was fading.

Sean’s Tell All was a lame recap that we’re probably going to see all over again during The Women Tell All. Why do we need to talk about Sarah’s missing arm again? At least we heard some reasoning behind those biceps in keeping Tierra around for so long. But how mean to tease Lesley and say that if she said I LOVE YOU, he’d have kept her around? You may take the steamiest showers this girl’s ever seen (seriously, body oil?), but don’t you think you’re acting a bit arrogant to insist a girl pleads her love for you after three dates? We’re not all swimming in AshLee’s pixie dust. Lastly, kudos to Chris for prying gossip out of Sean in regard to the fantasy suites. I’m so confused. Sean can tell Access Hollywood and be on the cover of Us Weekly stating that “Abstinence is just a choice I’ve made,” but to his BFF Chris, it’s none of his business?? Oh, snap!

Maybe you need to cool off and take a shower, pretty boy.