'Bachelor' recap: The eyebrow has spoken. And the many faces of Tierra

‘Bachelor’ recap: The eyebrow has spoken. And the many faces of Tierra

Ahhhh, wouldn’t it just be great if every girl in America could watch “The Bachelor” together? Like in one big, fat living room, squealing for two hours straight?! There’s something about this show that just makes you want to shout to your neighbor, “I don’t care what you’re doing, you need to see this eyebrow immediately!” It’s truly a crime to miss out.

I don’t know how any other season from here on out is going to get by without seeming boring, lame and completely without love after Sean has graced our ~~fantasies~~ living rooms. Seriously, he looks at these girls and embraces them as if they are the last woman on earth (actually, it’s kind of a creepy look at times, like they’re a protein shake?). Really, it’s just too much for any of us normal twitterpated folk to handle. No wonder poor Tierra almost lost her sparkle.

Phew, that was close.

As avid fans, we have to concede that much of this show is “scripted,” planned, forced and/or complete baloney. Even though Sean has upped the ante a bit this season and proven to us that love seriously rocks, there were times last night that I was feeling totally deceived. C’mon, director people, are we really supposed to believe that Sean just happened to want to get Tierra at the exact time her eyebrows were being attacked? And he’s just going to leave his poor sister sitting there on the beach, in a lame tank and shorts by herself (without even a pina colada?!) while he nurses Tierra’s non tears and proceeds to send her home? Puhlease. (Also, I hate Tierra specifically for her terrible attempt at fake crying. During her fits, she makes the time to look at Sean like, “Am I doing good? Do you believe me? Can we make out?”) That being said, I completely bought it.

Oh, I ate it up. I took a drink every time Tierra used the word “sabotage” and stood up to applaud after she announced “I can’t control what’s on my face 24/7!” (Hey-o! Things just got saucy.) and I’m pretty sure I threw a snap every time AshLee put her hand up in the air to block any negative vibes entering her positive chi. How did she do it? Stand up to a face free of Botox? She’s completely brave— that, and she really does have this weird, peaceful yoga mom vibe going on.

About that vibe. Sean + AshLee’s date together was beautiful and great, but I feel like I’m watching a brother and sister make out here. It seems so un-right to see them affectionate together, and when she talks about him, I feel like I’m supposed to be in a trance by now. Their relationship is simply confusing. Married at 17 years old? Fine. Her and Sean together? Weird as heck.

Almost as weird as watching Tierra fake have fun on the streets of St. Croix. So much for that eternity bracelet, huh, CrazyTown? And because I feel like kicking eyebrows while their down, who wears a cross bra with a regular (albeit ugly) top? Fail. Then again, I don’t even really know what I’m talking about because I couldn’t see a dang thing. There was this glare on the screen … from this sparkly …

I couldn’t enjoy the three-on-one roadtrip date because it was totally unrealistic. Where were the munchies for the road? Pillows? Music selection? Ok, all that, and Des was driving me bonkers. & how did she manage to keep her hair down all day while driving with the top down across the island? (Trying to deceive me again I see…) I’m starting to really like these girls, like I want to be a part of their girl talk and laying out sessions and start a sorority, but Des was just trying too hard. I get it, maybe she was just super excited about the tree house: “Hey, it’s like home!” (Too much?) As for Catherine, somehow she’s getting prettier and prettier as the show goes on, and I’m totally jealous. But I’m not jealous of Lindsay, because her lingering baby talk (and even a pouty lip now?) is still annoying, and I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but she looks like Casey Anthony. Gah, I’m so sorry! I can’t believe I said that. But it’s true. So now I hate her guts.

As far as dates, Lesley totally got the short end of the stick this week. Their weird skipping-through-a-secret-garden date lasted, what, three minutes? AshLee gets a Catamaran and a commercial break, the girls get a sunrise and a sunset and Lesley gets a basket of avocados? I wouldn’t be hot and heavy and ready to “take it to the next level” either, Casanova, when you’ve given me nothing but uneven ground to skip along and a fence post to push me up against. Give this girl a break! And a cough drop. She really needs to shake that dude voice and funny bro mentality if she’s going to be the next Bachelorette. (Oh, like you didn’t see that coming.)

Gah hometown dates! Remember when Sean fake-lived with his parents during Emily’s season? Not cool. I’m looking forward to next week purely to watch Sean clench his fists toward Des’ brother and actually have a beefcake emotion other than crazy love and happiness and smiles and joy and I want to marry you.

Woah, sorry, that was my emotion. Things are getting out of hand here. Maybe we could all use a little Botox…

Before we go, let us bid farewell to the many faces of Tierrable: