2-night ‘Bachelor’ recap: Scorpios bite, and so does glacier water, apparently
Four hours and 72 OMG’s later, I find myself so jazzed to gush about our boyfriend Sean, I don’t even know where to begin. Yes, friends, “The Bachelor” is that good.
But before we begin rehashing Tierra’s Ambulance Entourage and Sean’s death trap group dates, I have to make a bold statement: Not only do I think Sean is the greatest Bachelor EVer, I also think- despite Courtney Robertson Part 2- this is the greatest group of girls as well. Can this guy REALLY love everything and everyONE as much as he does? He loves loves everything! But I don’t care how off it seems, he is so charming, I’m melting every Monday, and I feel like he is reminding America what it’s like to fall in love- and mean it. By the way, I’m super jealous of these gorgeous destinations and totally booked a trip to Montana during Monday’s commercials. I’ll tell the hubs later. Maybe I’ll run into a concert in the middle of the street? Totally normal.
Because the show was basking in snowdrifts the past 2 nights, it’s disappointing that we didn’t get to see more undie shots and hot tub makeouts, but thankfully, Sean’s…um…sweater (can we call that a sweater?) that he wore in the teepee with Dez completely makes up for it. More man points down the drain this week. Never again, Sean. Let’s wear that Never. Again. He’s hot, but he’s pulled out some interesting outfits this season, no? & the girls must have some bet going to see who can wear the craziest earrings as well- I thought simple posts were back in? Welcome to the season of the dangling earlobes. Gross.
Other highlights:
- Lindsay’s baby talk is walking on thin ice (ehhh, we were in Canada- too easy?) It’s clear as glacial water (I can’t stop!) that Sean + Lindsay
are hitting it offlove making out, but I can’t stand the way she talks to him! & did she really act shocked to see a helicopter on her one-on-one? Please. Helicopters are so last season.
- These group dates are a joke. Sean goes from the nicest guy on earth to seeing if they die or not? These girls are amateurs free-falling down a building, roller derbying with one arm, repelling down mountains for a sandwich to frolicking in ice water? What’s next, Tough Guy? WWE wrestling? Riding alligators? Swallowing porcupines? A quick sand contest? Poor things. So you’d think the canoe & sawing contest would have been a snap, but what was all the wheezing? (Well, Daniella was just hankering for some Jack Daniels. Too bad it wasn’t a keg stand contest, eh sister?) Do these hottie totties not work out? C’mon, buck up for our lumberjack.
- I feel like even mentioning Tierra is giving her the attention that she craves, but she makes me jump out of my skin. After all the villains in all the seasons, when am I going to learn? She may be the Manipulation Queen, but she also has terrible taste in fashion, so I’ve decided her spitfire drama is trying to make up for her poorly-glued fake eyelashes. She can bat her eyes at Sean and rave about her “Scorpio bites” all she wants, but if she puts on one more bracelet on that wrist…..
- Sean + Catherine are the envy of all relationships. Swoon! I’m so happy to finally be seeing more of her- even if it does have to be on top of a glacier freezing their faces off. How did I find that so cute? & that bus? I die. She’s so incredibly normal and fun, I’m almost bored. It’s telling that Sean says she “melts his heart,” but then again, didn’t he just say that about a doughnut in Montana the other day? I love lamp.
- I’m glad to see Dez back in his “I’m crazy about you” file, because she seems perfect for him. After falling down the mountain with a rope (why not?) their one-on-one this week was adorable- topped with a tree-climbing scene straight from Twilight. Yesss! The teepee was a bit much (wait, that was his sweater), and I was surprised to hear of her upbringing in a tent? That’ll make for an interesting hometown date.
- Thank god Daniella is gone. How did she survive for so long? (Answer: This show provides wine. Lots and lots and lots.) You know who she reminded me of? Audrey from “Christmas Vacation.” The whiny teenage Valley Girl daughter who rolled her eyes when the sun came up. Right? The fact that she got a rose on the group date this week proved that Sean is way too nice & handing out these roses as charity. He did give Tierra the first rose, after all. PITY.
- Why does he like AshLee. She looks and acts twice his age (she’d be the one making his bed in the mornings, pressing his socks and picking lint off this shirts) and her OCD is, well, out of control. (Wait, that doesn’t work.) She uses the word “control” more than he uses the term “crazy about you,” and that blindfold bit was just weird. Do you think he was like, where do I take her? To a nearby disheveled closet to organize?
- Surely, we were all shocked to see Selma go home over Tierra last night. AHHH I seriously thought it would be the end for that monster! But I wasn’t buying Selma’s “respect for culture” crap anyway. Was she seriously going to sit there and apologize to her culture (in a dress half her size), but then follow that up with using the words “big guns” in the same sentence? And use the finger guns whilst her bosom is bursting? FAIL.
- I’m sorry to see Sarah go. What am I supposed to say? My heart did break for her that she had to canoe with one arm all day just to be sent home. What, he didn’t want to take her knitting for one last challenge? She was darling + sweet, but that girl was put through the ringer- this is for the best.
I’m sad the show is leaving winter haven for its typical tropical frolics. Lame. Does this mean we don’t get to see any more of Sean’s teepee sweater? Seriously, I can’t get over that sweater.
Can’t wait for next week!
