'Bachelor' recap, Part II: 'Ess Ok' the new language of breakups

Welcome to the club, Andi!

The club full of women all across America who spend their entire life trying to avoid perverted tools like the one you were supposedly in love with five minutes ago, but once we do dodge the narcissistic bullet, we spend the rest of our lives talking smack about them and wondering, how, how we could possibly fall into such a smelly trap.

Thank God you could join us. We’d hate to lose a lawyer to his pit of arrogance and sweat.

Now if only we could get Nikki and Clare to wake up.

It looked like we had a chance with Nikki, who had this scared scowl on her face during the rose ceremony when Chris was breaking the news. It’s like she saw the red flag … Should I follow this instinct to run? First Sharleen, now Andi, too? Am I missing something? But .. my .. feet .. won’t .. budge.

She’s so close.

Meanwhile, Clare’s to her left, making sure her chest is perked high enough for her boyfriend and thinking about which swimsuit she’ll wear next.

Ugh, from her puckered lips to his googly eyes all over her body, they are like a dirty VH1 music video you vow never to let your children watch. They are perfect for each other. And she’s doomed.

To be fair, Andi’s expectations were high. I get that all she wanted was for him to admit he didn’t care about her as much as he led on in front of the cameras. But is she really 27 years young that she doesn’t yet realize no man would ever admit that? Even a good guy isn’t going to air his dirty mind to a woman who’s breaking up with him, let alone to an America who he thinks he’s swooning.

Juan Pablo is scum. He wants to brag about his mediocre biceps, take you to bed and then remind you how important his poor daughter is to him.

Yeah, we see your concern for her with every sloppy makeout, Daddy.

But Juan Pablo did kinda sorta have a point. This is a show about dating multiple women after all. So if one of them came up to him saying, “Eh, you suck, I don’t want to be with you after all,” of course, he’s going to be like, “Ok! Bye! I got other girlfriends! Who are much more dumb anyway!”

Why did he have to care?

It’s simply the way in which he didn’t care that will turn him even more into The Most Hated Man in America. As if we needed another excuse. But women think too much. We care too much, we do all these things and create all these scenarios that make men like Juan Pablo look worse than they already are. Yes, Juan Pablo, “Ess Ok,” but what about respect? What about forcing us to root for you for an entire season, and for what? Just to take away our romantic fantasy that charming men and storybook love stories still exist? No, Casanova, that part is NOT OK. Us ladies would like to remain as delusional as possible for two hours a week, when we’re not cleaning our husband’s toilets, folding their underwear or complaining to our girlfriends about how they didn’t get us anything for Valentine’s Day. This crap reality show is our only hope, and your vulgar moaning and come-hither stares are really ruining all the fun.

Anyway, as delicious and empowering as the Women Tell All looks next week, if we could get one of the girls on the finale to dump him, too, then our true prize would be met.

We need this mighty peacock with his feathers fanned from here to Venezuela with his tail between his legs. That’s true drama, ABC.

Don’t we deserve that kind of celebration after watching a dumb jock try and fool our fellow women for two months straight?

I think we deserve that.

And for Pete’s sake, can we avoid the sloppy accents and pigheads when rounding out contestants for Andi’s season of the Bachelorette? (Oh, like you don’t see that coming, too.) We need Prince Charming and Hugh Grant and Jay Gatsby and Clark Gable to even begin resurrecting our hope in men. And no creepy fetishes with touching the face or putting the hair behind the ear, either. Man, that got old.

Theaters will premiere a stage production of ‘War Horse’

Century Stadium 14 and Century East will premiere an international theater production of “War Horse” on Thursday.

The National Theatre of Great Britain’s original stage production was first performed on stage in 2007 and includes music and life-size puppets by South Africa’s Handspring Puppet Co.

The PG-13 film will begin at 7 p.m. at both theaters, and run time is 180 min. Read more about the stage-production-screened-in-theaters here.

www.cinemark.com/nt-live-war-horse

'Bachelor' recap, Part I: So Nikki's normal, and that's all

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Seriously? That’s all you got, Most Dramatic Two-Night Event Ever? You better pull it together tonight with all three girls dumping Juan Pablo at the same time (and that would just be called logic, actually), because last night was such a yawn.

To be fair, the hometown shows are always boring. Everyone is on their best behavior, and we have to rely on creepy over-protective dads (or Clare’s lunatic over-protective jealous ugly sister) to bring the crazy.

I was so bored, the oddball decor of each house was more entertaining than anything else. I can’t decide if I was more intrigued by the living room pear trees and floral couchES at Nikki’s, the bunny lamps at Renee’s or the rug pinned to the wall at Clare’s. (What?) But the bunny lamp really didn’t surprise me. Renee’s mom is wacky. It felt like no one in that family even talked to one another?

I feel sorry for Renee based solely on the fact that she has a kid. That, and because she chose that pathetic excuse of an outfit for her final day with Juan Pablo. Honey, from your hair to your bad mascara, there is so much work to do. But it’s not all her fault. How dare Juan Pablo let the last thing he say to her be, “I respect you so much”? Since when? You respect her so much so that you were willing to steal her away from her weird son (Hey, you saw the comb-over before bedtime) just so you could parade around makeout sessions with other women for eight weeks while not so much as give her a kiss? Wow, you’re a real prize, Big Daddy. You’re right, Renee, he might be ”as good as they come” if you keep wearing outfits like that, but even still, you can do way better.

The rug on Clare’s wall can do better.

I actually didn’t think it was possible, but I found Juan Pablo to be an even bigger loser than I thought last night. He can’t shoot a gun worth a hoot, there was this odd scrunching of the shoulders he wouldn’t quit on all his dates, and there was even squealing. And the talking with the hands arms. I get it. He’s actually aware enough to realize none of these parents are going to understand a lick of what he’s saying, so he thought talking with his arms would improve the situation. It didn’t. And neither did dancing with Andi’s mom. I’m surprised he didn’t get shot by Macho Dad right then and there.

For the record, I loved Andi’s dad. His name was Hy, which is very Sopranos, and he was a stud. (I was just waiting for Juan Pablo to make fun of his dad’s name, because he’s is an idiot like that.) I don’t know why I was so intrigued by Hy, maybe because he actually sees what a moron we’re dealing with here?

It’s too bad we had to hear about Clare’s dad again, and I’m sorry, if you’re going to have a sentimental story that involves tossing rocks into the water, actually give it a good toss. That was the most pathetic plop into the water I’ve ever seen. And then Juan Pablo applauds her? Are we 4?

By the way, how on earth are all those women Clare’s sisters. It was like ABC called up this Bunco group to come over and play Clare’s family for the night. So she’s like the black sheep of the brood who is also cuter 20 years younger? They were creepy, too. That Lisa one clearly had the hots for Juan Pablo, she even spoke about him with a rasp in her voice and stared at the two of them like she was watching her favorite afternoon soap (which you know she has), and Lara was just dying for her 15 minutes of fame. “If I can’t win the lottery, then these cameras I’m going to awkwardly stare into are my only hope! I’ll show ‘em what I got!” Crosses arms and steps in front of the camera like a boss.

No wonder Clare is such a sass. I guarantee Nikki was just clapping at the TV.

Poor Clare’s mom. I was just relieved to finally hear her speak. Even if it was in Spanish? Even Juan Pablo will know better than to subject himself to those crazies.

Wait, I meant to say even a family like that is still too good for this washed up soccer player.

You know, I bet he wasn’t even a good at soccer.

You better bring it tonight, St. Lucia!

Business job fair on Tuesday

The South Dakota Association of College Career Centers will host its 24th annual BIG Job Fair on Tuesday.

The Business Industry Government fair will be held 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. at the Sioux Falls Convention Center. Employers will be seeking candidates with degrees or candidates who are pursuing college or technical school degrees, and most will be offering full time or internship positions. Students at South Dakota universities and technical schools can pre-register at their college career centers for free. Otherwise, cost is $10 for candidates to attend at the door. Contact Clarence Pederson at Clarence.Pederson@usd.edu or 677-5381 with questions.

Top 13 contestants named on ‘American Idol’

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"American Idol" named its Top 13 contestants this week after its first round of live Rush Week.

Ten girls and 10 guys performed on Tuesday and Wednesday to a live audience, and the top five of each group was announced Thursday night after America voted. Judges Jennifer Lopez, Keith Urban and Harry Connick Jr. then threw in three extra “wild card” contestants to move on to the next round after a sing-off.

The Top 13 will continue vying for your vote next week, performing at 7 p.m. on Tuesday and Wednesday on Fox.

Here is a list of the Top 13 contestants for season 13. Read more about each of them and watch video clips here: Malaya Watson, 16; Ben Briley, 24; Emily Piriz, 16; Alex Preston, 20; Jessica Meuse, 23; Dexter Roberts, 22; Caleb Johnson, 22; Majesty Rose, 21; MK Nobilette, 20; and Sam Woolf, 17. Wild card contestants are Jena Irene, 17; Kristen O’Connor, 24; and C.J. Harris, 23.

Tonight on the Town: Weekend Edition

Today, Feb. 21
Food:
TGIF! Kaladi’s Bistro on Minnesota Avenue has a new dinner menu, featuring sandwiches, burgers, chicken, sirloin, pastas and salmon. Happy hour is daily from 3-6 p.m., and dinner is served till 9 p.m.

Event: Bingo! Make it a family fun night at Burnside Game Place tonight, which hosts regular Bingo at 7 p.m. and Cosmic Bingo at 10 p.m. The evening includes $100 payouts, a $1,199 Jackpot and all-you-can-play on paper for $15, nine cards for $10 or six cards for $5.

Saturday, Feb. 22
Food:
Head over to the Eastbank for dinner tonight at Elements on 8th, the restaurant inside the new Hilton Garden Inn on Eighth Street. The family-friendly restaurant, which is run by the same group with Tre Lounge, Callaway’s and Foley’s, offers bison burgers, wraps, chislic and walleye. Stay for a drink or two, and enjoy the view of the Big Sioux River!

Event: Rock on! Don’t miss the annual Battle of the Bands tonight at Asbury United Methodist Church, beginning at 5 p.m. Praise and worship bands will compete, and guests will vote for their favorite throughout the night with cash donations, which will go toward the Asbury youth mission fund. Doors open at 4:30 p.m., and there will be a chili cook-off as well. The event is free to attend.

Also going on, the annual Brewhaha fundraiser will be at the Museum of Visual Materials from 7-10 p.m., and Brrvana will begin at 3 p.m. at Monks House of Ale Repute on Eighth Street.

Sunday, Feb. 23
Food:
Tinner’s Bar & Grill serves a full breakfast menu from 9 a.m. to 1 p.m. on the weekends, featuring sirloin or ribeye steak and eggs, country fried steak, breakfast skillets and omelets.

Event: Catch a film today. Icon Lounge will host a film screening for the documentary “Shop Class. Redesigned” at 2 and 6:30 p.m., and Bigs Sports Bar on 12th Street will screen the sci-fi event film “Return to Nuke ‘Em High: Vol. 1” at 6 p.m. At the Wells Fargo Cinedome inside the Washington Pavilion, “The Nut Job” will begin at 1:45 and 5 p.m., and “Gravity” will begin at 7:30 p.m.

Participate in Oscar Movie Week at Century Theaters

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It’s movie marathon time!

Century Stadium 14 will begin Oscar Movie Week this weekend, where you can catch all nine Academy Award best film nominees in theaters once more before the March 2 awards show.

To purchase tickets, you can either buy them individually for each film, or you can purchase a bundle pass and see them all for $40.

Here is the schedule:

Friday, Feb. 21:
"Gravity" at 7 p.m.
"Wolf of Wall Street" at 9:20 p.m.

Saturday, Feb. 22:
"Nebraska" at 1:15 p.m.
"Captain Phillips" at 4 p.m.
"12 Years a Slave" at 7 p.m.
"Her" at 10 p.m.

Sunday, Feb. 23:
"Philomena" at 2 p.m.
"Dallas Buyers Club" at 4:20 p.m.
"American Hustle" at 7 p.m.

Monday, Feb. 24:
"Nebraska" at 7 p.m.
"Wolf of Wall Street" at 9:45 p.m.

Tuesday, Feb. 25:
"Her" at 7 p.m.
"American Hustle" at 9:50 p.m.

Wednesday, Feb. 26:
"Philomena" at 7 p.m.
"12 Years a Slave" at 9:30 p.m.

Thursday, Feb. 27:
"Gravity" at 4:30 p.m.
"Dallas Buyers Club" at 7 p.m.
"Captain Phillips" at 9:45 p.m.

Also, don’t forget to participate in our Argus Leader Media Oscar ballot! Click here to fill yours out. The winner of first prize will be the person with the greatest number of correct answers. In case of a tie, names will be drawn to distribute prizes of movie tickets for first, second and third. Entries must be received by noon Feb. 27. The contest winners will be notified March 3. Only one entry per person. You must be at least age 18 to enter.

'Bachelor' recap: Sharleen is The Wisest of Them All

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Two episodes of “The Bachelor” next week?

Either Juan Pablo’s broken English is too exhausting to fit into one episode, or even the producers themselves are just as anxious to get rid of this pathetic excuse of a season.

Good riddance, you sloppy kisser.

Despite the amount of eye rolls Juan Pablo has produced over the past 2 months, I really do think this season has flown by, and I’m shocked we essentially only have hometowns, Women Tell All and then the finale — the part where we crown The Stupidest Woman of All Time.

You know, good ol’ OPRAH singer Sharleen (valiant effort, Juan Pablo) was onto something. Even though she basically called everyone else on the show stupid when she blatantly told Juan she “wishes she were dumber,” she’s right. Isn’t that how this season has progressed, after all? Thanks to all these women who chose ignorance over common sense and continue to grovel over an obvious idiot of a man, we continue to be entertained each week. But who are we kidding? We have a nurse, a lawyer, even a mother here, but yet somehow, all of them have overlooked his stupidity just to make out on TV with a lame  set of abs and an accent that ends up being annoying anyway?

Women.

But Sharleen really didn’t look as wise as she wanted to. She was looking for a “cerebral connection” with this guy? He couldn’t even pronounce that let alone give it to you, Fancy Pants, and it doesn’t work when instead of actually carrying on a conversation for once, you spend an entire day making out on a yacht. (Ps. Why did there have to be so much lying down on a boat this week? His hairy legs spread like an arrogant monkey was the absolute worst) Then you mention some confusing bit about how you “like change,” only to make out again and then wear a tight enough dress that night to let him think he’s got you in the palm of his sweaty hand. And since when is a woman’s “proper” English such a turn on? He’s just using you as his dictionary, Sharleen, that should’ve been your first clue!

But thank goodness we have our Fairy Godmother Renee back at the house to help Sharleen decipher lust over intellect. “Think about what you’d be giving up. That could haunt you forever.” Haunt you forever? Slow down, Mother Hen, if there is anything haunting about Juan Pablo, it’s his wayward tongue.

I think Sharleen on her Pedestal will be just fine.

After she actually did say goodbye (even though she was certainly whiny about it. She does love his attention), what was Juan Pablo’s rant over being appreciated versus being honest?

Oh, forget it. Like it’s even worth trying to translate.

The fact that Juan chose Nikki to bring to Camila’s dance recital is very telling, but it’s too bad her cutoffs were too cut off and she forgot to wear a bra to meet The Ex. And then I really felt sorry for her when it was time to play catch that night. Nikki, we get it, your body rocks, but you’re wearing fringe on a baseball field, and I see London, I see France ….

They can whip up a pair of sweatpants for Clare during her date like it’s magic, but they can’t get this poor girl a Marlin Park T-shirt already? No wonder Juan wanted to stop throwing the ball around to get closer …

Anyway, thank goodness for body tape, and Nikki’s sassy antics are confusing me. Are we supposed to like her? I want to, but then she mouths off and picks fights with Clare (that was such a juvenile fight, almost like it was scripted and they just kept repeating their lousy-written lines) and then she plays the Courtney Card with “I got this rose in the bag” comments, and it’s like she’s our villain.

Once again, like it’s even worth trying to understand?

The group date was embarrassing to watch. Chelsie reads letters from Mom and Dad (opposite of turn-on), Clare cries again over her dad (give me a break) and Andi just flat out starts crying? No wonder making out is his only solution. Conversations are so much work this season.

By the way, does he even notice Clare anymore? They totally slept together in the ocean.

And for the love of Pete, stop wearing all these dresses that are too tight and shoes that are too tall. Andi, you’re killing me up there. Take a note from Nikki, at least?

I mean, is anyone paying attention to the dresses this season? So much for breathing, I guess.

I will never understand why Renee is still around. Her hair needs deep conditioning like Juan Pablo needs to be deported, and come on, the only scene she even had this week was to nurture Sharleen off the show. And I’m sorry, she looks twice his age.

Maybe he needs to keep her around as his guidance counselor when it gets close to the end. “Renee, My Special One, who will have enough patience to explain the English language to me every morning, withstand my bad dance moves, forgive my wandering eye and assep my hypocrisy as endearing?” 

There aren’t enough sucker TV show contestants in the world, you waste of a sexy Latino accent.

Tonight on the Town: Valentine’s Edition!

Today, Feb. 14

Food: Happy Valentine’s Day! Friday and Saturday features at All Day Cafe and Goodnight Bar include baby octopus for an appetizer and bone-in pork chop, prime rib or halibut for dinner. Dessert options include red velvet creme brulee, chocolate cake or a mocha cafe martini. Cheers!

Event: Everyone loves comedy. Whether you’re out on the town with your sweetie or your best buds, enjoy a couple comedy shows tonight. Rookies will host comedian Luke Ashlocke tonight, with shows starting at 7 and 9:30 p.m. Tickets are $10, and Chris Schlichting will open. For more, Latitude 44 will offer stand-up comedy with Zach Reiner, Bob Gurnett, Mike Vamosi, Alice Galloway, Andrew Swann, Micah Johnson, Nick Rahm and Sam Malcomb. The show begins at 8 p.m., and tickets are $7.

Saturday, Feb. 15

Food: Valentine’s specials continue at Parker’s Bistro downtown and include grilled lamb chops, amuse bouche and pan-seared halibut. Make reservations at 275-7676.

Event: The Coliseum on Main Street will host a Family Fun Festival from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. today. The free event will feature Phil Baker, Bo Bo the Clown, inflatables, vendor booths, door prizes for the kids and a free lunch. The event also is a health and safety fair fundraising event for Health Connect, the state’s only dedicated consumer/public health library.

Sunday, Feb. 16

Food: Bros Brasserie serves breakfast on Sundays only, from 9 a.m. to 2 p.m. Classics include omelets or steak and eggs, and specialties include pumpkin pancakes, biscuits and gravy and crab cake Napolean.

Event: Club David will host a film screening tonight for the short documentary “Birthday Cake. The “mockumentary sequal” to “Groom’s Cake” begins at 6 p.m. and documents the zany three days leading up to the first birthday party for the daughter of television star Steven James and his screenwriter husband, Daniel Ferguson. A live Q&A via Skype will follow with writer, producer, director and star, Chad Darnell. Before the main show, Club David will show other short films as well, including “Us. A Family Album,” “What Do You Know? Six to Twelve Year-Olds Talk About Gays and Lesbians” and “Hens and Chicks.” Cost is $8 in advance or $10 at the door, and profits will benefit the Sioux Falls AIDS Walk benevolence fund.

Date Night Dance Co., Calico Skies offer dance lessons

Date Night Dance Co. is partnering with Calico Skies Winery to offer Afternoon Delight Dance Lessons this month and then a dance with live music in March. Lessons will be 1-2 p.m. Sunday, Feb. 23 and March 2 at the winery, which is located 6 miles east of Canton. The dance, titled Uncork the Dance, will be 7-10 p.m. March 29 and will include live music by The Risky Business Band. Even if you don’t attend the lessons, the dance will be open to the public.

All levels of experience are welcome to the lessons. Sunday’s class will feature swing, the Feb. 23 class will teach rumba, and the March 2 class will feature cha-cha. You can sign up for one or all of the lessons, but if you attend all three, you will get into the dance for free.

Cost is $30 a couple per lesson and $10 a person for the dance. Register to attend the dance at calicoskieswine.com.

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